Asexual Perspective: Alone But Not Lonely

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” - Buddha

Please note this post contains spoilers for the Hulu series, Four Weddings and a Funeral.

Four Weddings and a Funeral (2019), Hulu

In the early days of the COVID-19 lockdowns, I watched Hulu’s Four Weddings and a Funeral. It wasn’t the first time I had seen it and I was in the mood for something I knew would put a smile on my face since the world felt heavy and distant.

Based on the 1994 film written and directed by Richard Curtis, this 10-episode series was modernized by writer/actress Mindy Kaling. In interviews promoting the series, Kaling said she wanted to revolutionize romantic comedies and show her love for them by adding substance and diversity.

Her love letter succeeded.

The show follows four American friends living in London who deal with romantic, career, and life obstacles. Every single character has their own hopes, dreams, and fears. Full of classic one-liners and zings Kaling is known for, the series is worth a watch, especially if you’re a rom-com lover.

During the season finale, Kash (Nikesh Patel)—another main character—and his ex-fiancée, Ainsley (Rebecca Rittenhouse; one of the American main characters), are walking through the streets at night. It’s the first time since the premiere that these two are cordial. After Kash calls off their wedding at the end of the first episode, they spend the majority of the series at odds with each other.

Kash (Nikesh Patel) and Ainsley (Rebecca Rittenhouse) in Episode 10

Ainsley, who has since become engaged again, goes to the theater where Kash is a lead, fulfilling a lifelong dream he’s had. Prior to this, Kash was secretly dating Ainsley’s best friend, Maya (Nathalie Emmanuel), but when Ainsley finds out, Maya goes back to New York.

As Ainsley and Kash awkwardly catch up, she asks him how he’s doing. Kash replies, “Things are good. I mean, I’m single and desperately lonely.”

Cue eye roll. 🙄

Granted, this is the kind of dialogue we hear in romantic comedies. Characters ache and moan about their single life and about being lonely. They fear they’ll never find someone. Even if everything else in their life is going great, if they aren’t in a relationship, life has no meaning.

Now, I love the series. It’s sweet, funny, poignant, and romantic. Exactly what you want out of a rom-com. But I hate that line.

I don’t like when any movie, series, or book paints loneliness as a fate worse than death. It plants a dangerous and harmful mindset.

Singleness doesn’t equate to loneliness

In her book, Ace: What Asexuality Reveals About Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex, author Angela Chen says, “So long as there is no romantic partner in the picture, others will think the picture incomplete.”

To have value, a romantic narrative must conclude with the hero or heroine paired with a love interest. However, we must acknowledge that loneliness is an unavoidable part of real life. For all of us.

My friends, and I’m sure yours, have complained of loneliness when they’re not in a relationship. You may have even complained yourself. Yet, it’s worth remembering: we are never truly alone. Singleness doesn't equate to loneliness.

We can easily reach out to friends and family when we’re feeling lonely. All you have to do is pick up the phone and call, text, or FaceTime. Scroll through your contacts and select a person you know you have great conversations with. See if they’re available. If not, don’t fret. Try someone else.

Stop thinking you’re alone.

I recently read Dolly Alderton’s memoir, Everything I Know About Love, and in it she paints such an important picture of how friendship—particularly female friendship—can be more fulfilling than any other romantic relationship in our lives.

She writes,

“When you’re looking for love and it seems like you might not ever find it, remember you probably have access to an abundance of it already, just not the romantic kind. This kind of love might not kiss you in the rain or propose marriage. But it will listen to you, inspire and restore you… You have so much to gain and learn from this kind of love. You can carry it with you forever. Keep it as close to you as you can.”

This idea of ending up “desperately alone” stems from society’s pressure to find a life partner. But to think your life has no meaning because you haven’t found that person yet is unhealthy and unhelpful. If romantic comedies have taught us one thing, it’s that there’s someone for everyone, right? Possibly. But what about those of us who don’t view others sexually or romantically?

This is where asexuals and aromantics are viewed as strange and downright weird.

What do you mean you don’t want a relationship? How could you not want to have sex?

I think romance is beautiful. To meet a stranger and grow to love and trust them with your most intimate dreams and fantasies. That’s pure magic. I’m awed and inspired by my parents’ love. I watched my sister fall in love with her husband. I’ve gone to the weddings of friends and family. I’ve seen love in all forms.

But as an asexual, romance and sexual attraction are not at the forefront of my brain. They barely exist. And when I say barely, I mean they’re essentially non-existent. Because of this, I’ve learned to embrace my loneliness. I know there’s a chance I won’t ever find a significant other.

Did you gasp out loud? Did the idea of it make you cringe?

I cherished the friendship most

Asexuals can be in relationships. Many are. But as Julie Sondra Decker points out in her book, The Invisible Orientation: An Introduction to Asexuality, “relationships do not have to include sex or sexual attraction to be categorized as romantic.”

When I look back on my past relationships, of which there was only one, I realize it was the friendship I cherished most. After I said yes to being his girlfriend, I felt like I had done something wrong. We weren’t together for long. In the years that followed, the few dates I went on in college resulted in nothing more than a friendly hug at the end of the night and no second date.

Decker later notes,

“In reality, friendships can be among the deepest relationships people have—and that goes for everyone, not just aromantic people.”

The friendships I have fulfill me as any romantic relationship would. What do we want out of a romantic partner? Love. Support. Comfort. Trust. The same things we want out of friends and family.

Coming out as asexual made me accept the fact that I may never get married. It may only just be me, myself, and I going forward. Does this mean I’m terrified of ending up alone? No.

What about when I’m older? Who will take care of me? Chen responds to this usual rebuttal when she writes, “It is still unfair that people worry that not having a romantic partner means they can’t take care of themselves in old age.”

The Merriam-Webster dictionary describes “lonely” as (a) being without company, and (b) cut off from others.

Take a look at those definitions again.

“Being without company” doesn’t mean never without company. “Cut off from others” doesn’t mean always isolated.

Yes, COVID-19 forced us into lockdowns that cut us off from our loved ones. If you lived alone during that time, I’m sure it was harder on you than most. But thanks to FaceTime, Zoom, and Google Hangouts, we stayed connected. Imagine if the pandemic happened ten or twenty years ago. The technology then wouldn’t compare.

Unfortunately, asexuals will always have a hard time convincing people that being alone is not the end of the world. It’s hard to change someone’s mind when the idea of something has been drilled into them since they were little.

Believe me, I thought for the longest time if I wasn’t married with a couple of kids at a certain age, I failed at life. This is the seed we need to stop planting.

Let’s check in on Kash and his comment. Does he ultimately end up happy, with Maya back in his arms? Of course he does. Would it be a romantic story if he didn’t?

Kash (Nikesh Patel) and Maya (Nathalie Emmanuel) in Episode 10

Rom-coms invariably feature moments where the protagonist experiences a sense of complete loss. But from an asexual perspective, describing this moment as him being “desperately lonely” or feeling like life is over is a trope that needs to be reconsidered for future projects.

Loneliness comes down to mindset. Be sad if you break up with someone. It’s natural. You need time to heal, but don’t think you’re going to end up alone. When you break up with someone, who comes to console you? Friends. Family. Hopefully, they come with wine and chocolate or whatever puts a smile on your face. They give you the love and support you just lost.

So, the next time you feel lonely, grab your phone and reach out to a friend. Chances are, they’ll be there for you.

Author’s Note: While this piece is written from the perspective of an asexual, I am not the only ace voice on the internet. If you're interested in learning more about this complex orientation, I encourage you to seek out more ace voices. You can find a comprehensive (and growing) list of fiction and nonfiction books on my website.

---

While I understand being paid for your work is important, I’m also aware we all have financial restrictions. In lieu of a paywall, please consider buying me a coffee instead. A little caffeine goes a long way for a writer, and I will be forever grateful for the fuel.